You just gotta have a laugh....

Searching for answers.

A graduate with a science degreeasks, Why does it work?

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, How does it do that?

A graduate with with an accountancy degree asks, how much does it cost?

A graduate with an arts degree asks,do you want fries with that?

Big Pie.

Table manners

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

Touche

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster

Good Job

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I wonder.

Broken promises don,t bother me.

I just think,"Why the hell did they believe me?"

Big Pie

Modern times.

Simple Simon met a pieman

going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pieman,

",What have you got there?"

Said the pieman to Simple Simon,

" Pies you thicko !."

Big Pie.

Confucius say:-

Woman who cook beans and peas in same pot very insanitary.

Also, Squirrel run up girls legs not find nuts.

Big Pie.

I wonder.

Roses are redish,

Violets are blueish,

If it wasn,t for Christmas,

would we all be Jewish?

Big Pie.

Horrid Me.

When I,m feeling low, I like to whistle very loudly. It makes the neighbours dog run

to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Big Pie.

Any last words.

A man called on his mate,and his wife answered the door."Is jim in," he asked. She stood

looking, but didn,t say a word. Another lady joined her and said," I,m so sorry, but Jim died

last night." The man looked shocked, and asked,"were you with him when he passed away."

"I was," she replied."I don,t suppose he said owt about the ten quid he owed me did he?"

Big Pie.

Camel doctor.

A tourist in Eygypt met a native in the bar, and asked him what he did for a living.

" I castrate camels," he said. How do you do it," the tourist asked. " I stand behind

the camel, open it,s back legs, and whack it,s testicles between two flat stones,"

he answered."God," said the tourist," bet that hurts." "No," said the man,"You

just have to take care to keep your thumbs clear.

Big Pie.

My wife insisted I tell you this one.

Old king Cole was very fond of cabbage.He sent out a decree that from then on,

anyone that ate cabbage, it must be shredded, and mixed with mayonnaise, and bits

of carrots. This has become to be known as Cole,s Law ( Groan .)

Big Pie.

Question!

If my main chute doesn,t open, and my reserve fails as well, how long will it be

before I hit the ground?

The rest of your life.

Big Pie.

Seeing is beleiving.

An Irishman left home and joined a nudist colony. After a while he had his photo

taken,tore it in half, and sent the top half to his mother. Knowing that his gran

was very short sighted, he sent her the bottom half. His mother wrote and thanked

him, and his gran wrote and said that he should change his hair style because the

style he was wearing now made his nose look very long.

Big Pie.

Dog Rough

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

Lincolns Quandry

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think

Abe Lincoln would be doing if he was alive today?

1/ Writing his memoirs of the civil war.

2/ Advising the new President.

3/Desperately clawing at his coffin lid.

Big Pie.

Hard choice

Two Irish mates each win a prize in a pub raffle. One wins the first, the other, the sixth.

The first prize is a years supply of Spaghetti and meat balls, the sixth is a toilet brush.

A couple of weeks later, they met in the same pub, and one asked what the other

thought of his prize."Well" said his mate," I am really enjoying my Spaghetti, What do

you think about your toilet brush." "Not a lot," he answered, "I think I,ll be going back

to toilet paper."

Big Pie.

Good old Tommy Cooper

Went to dinner last night and ordered lobster, when it came, noticed it only had one claw.

I complained to the waiter, and he told me the lobster had been in a fight, so I said,"Well

fetch me the winner."

Big Pie.